How I moved through fear—and you can, too.
This is the first of a regular series, where I share lessons learned as a life coach—based on my coaching practice and training, my personal experiences, and my favorite books.
Earlier this year, I was asked to give a keynote speech on the subject of what I’d learned after interviewing 100+ women about their midlife awakenings and reinventions—and how I’d transformed my life in the process. I wanted to say no. I voiced my doubts that I’d be a good candidate, but was pressed to reconsider.
What was holding me back? In one word: Fear.
Who was I to speak with any type of authority? What could I possibly say to fill the allotted 45-60 minutes? What if no one registered for my talk? Or what if they came but hated what I had to say? And how would I tame my fear of public speaking? I mean, I hadn’t given a speech in over two decades, since my corporate days, and I certainly had never spoken publicly about my own journey.
Fear is insidious. It preys on you, urging you to play it safe. It convinces you not to try anything that might risk failure. And every time you give in to it, every time you do its bidding, fear wins. It reinforces your belief that you CAN’T.
Fear keeps you small.
But when you push through the fear by taking bold action, you prove something to yourself; you learn that yes, you can. And with each step you take outside your comfort zone, that challenges your fear, the way you see yourself changes. Your self-definition slowly adjusts; it grows to encompass the new things you’ve shown yourself capable of.
I finally took the leap and said yes to the speaking opportunity. I wrote, endlessly practiced, and delivered my speech. I shared the advice I had learned from the 100+ women I’d interviewed at the time, along with my own journey—from suburban wife and mom to city writer and life coach. And the sell-out audience listened and laughed and applauded; I felt supported and embraced by this community of women. Some stayed after to talk to me, to tell me how much my message, “it’s never too late,” had resonated with them. There was even a reporter there to interview me, who wrote a lovely article in the local paper.
And now I think of myself as someone who CAN draw a crowd, who CAN deliver a speech, who CAN overcome my fears. I have since said yes to three other speaking opportunities, and with each experience, I reinforce my belief that I CAN speak publicly, that I have something to say, that I’m worthy of an audience. So if courage is taking action in the face of fear, then yes, I’m a courageous person.
And this new confidence is what has led me to launch this column, Coach’s Corner. While my blog to date has focused solely on interviews with inspirational women, and I’ve only rarely dipped my toe into personal musings (see “My Fuck You Fifties” on Huffington Post), I’ve been holding out—I have a lot to say—mostly out of fear of judgment. With Coach’s Corner, I’m moving toward the fear, rather than letting it keep me safe—and small. And I plan on ignoring the Internet trolls!
When fear comes to call, ask yourself:
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?
Then take one step, one small step, toward that fear. And watch it shrink.
What is a fear that’s keeping YOU small? How can YOU begin to move toward that fear?
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This is awesome! So inspiring! Once you can conquer your fears, success is almost guaranteed. Nicely said! Thanks so much for put this up!
Hi Morgan, glad you found it helpful! Yes, always trying to conquer those fears. One step at a time, right? Thanks for reading!
Yeah for you! Fear can be conquered and you did it!
I was just talking with my husband about a friend who is so competitive and fearful that he can not do anything unless he knows he is the best. He is no fun to be with if we are are doing anything but seeing a movie that of course he has already read several reviews to make sure it is worthy!
I doubt he even thinks he is suffering from fear.
Haralee recently posted…Are you A Red Hot Mama?
Boy that is a hard way to go through life. And yes, I can’t imagine he’s much fun to be with, or that he’s having much fun in life. So much better to show our vulnerability, even if we fall on our faces here and there!! We connect with each other through our human sides, certainly not by putting up a perfect winning front every time. Thanks for reading Haralee!!
Wonderfully put Helene. For me, losing my fear took something a bit more ominous. When my oldest son was diagnosed with Leukemia (he’s in remission now) I had the stark realization that nothing really matters in life except for your loved ones.
No materialistic gain or loss can compare the the fleeting gift of life and our loved ones.
I no longer looked at my 9-5 job as some irreplaceable life raft for financial security. It could be substituted if push came to shove.
I no longer looked at my social impressions on other people as something to guard and feel self-conscious about.
I no longer feared the public failure of an entrepreneurial endeavor gone south.
All of these things mattered little in the light of what I found truly important to me in life. And so with nothing to lose of importance, all trivial pursuits became a game to be played, enjoyed and conquered.
I was able to take my ego out of my effort and try for the sake of trying as hard as I could. For all of these things fall short in the light of what has been revealed to me…
The only thing that truly matters at the end of the day are the ones I love and the impact I have on their lives.
So well put Jason. Thank you for sharing your learnings. Life and love are the most precious gifts. I am so glad your son is doing well. All the best to you and yours!
I think many bloggers suffer from ‘imposter syndrome’ which is a type of fear. When I started blogging, I felt like that but pushed beyond the fear. Why not me? Why not you!?
Yes!! Such a common refrain among bloggers, and many of my women clients too. That somehow we’re frauds and about to be discovered. Congrats on pushing through the fear!
Love this article. I have started my own business after 27 years in corporate life. There are times when I wonder what I am doing, but then I say to myself -‘What the heck. You don’t have a better offer right now!’ I am reminded of FDR: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
Hi Jessica! Thanks so much for writing. I love that quote too. Am learning to be vulnerable and take risks. It’s a lifelong journey.
It took me 40 years but I finally realized the phrase truly is: you win some you learn some.
It all transpired seven years ago when I “failed” at something and the spiral turned into the most magnificent event of my life. I’m hoping I can pass this along to my daughter so she doesn’t waste as much time as I did – – but I live each day knowing I cannot fail.
There really is no fail.
Hi Carla and thanks so much for reading! I couldn’t agree with you more. There is no losing, no failure. I am proud of taking risks and learning from them, whatever the outcome. That’s how we grow!