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10
Aug
2016

What I Learned from Having my Wallet Stolen

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Coach's CornerA couple of months ago, I attended a Meetup for Life Coaches at a coffee shop in Chicago and somehow left my wallet at the counter when I paid for my drink. I did not notice my wallet was missing until five hours later, by which time I was back home.

Naturally, I freaked out. I jumped in my car and called the coffee shop while driving there at breakneck speed (yes, without a driver’s license), hoping that somehow my wallet had been safely returned or might be lying on the floor, awaiting my retrieval.

No such luck.

When I returned home, I logged onto my Visa card’s online account to find that someone had spent $3,000 at Target and Walgreen’s in the last few hours (note to self: next time check your Visa account before running around like a madwoman). This dashed all my hopes and spurred me to action: canceling cards, notifying my bank, rescheduling a meeting the next day to plan a trip to the DMV, etc. Oh, and filing a police report—yes, I found out this was key when I Googled “what to do when you lose your wallet.”

I was angry with myself: How stupid of me to leave my wallet lying there? My neglect had cost me a bunch of cash and created a lot of work for me. Why couldn’t I pay attention?

I was also furious with the thief and ecstatic to find out that the coffee shop had cameras that the police could request to access (because Chicago detectives don’t have enough to do!). We could see footage of the perpetrator in action! We’d catch the thief! Sweet revenge…

While I knew I needed to forgive myself, and let go of the perfect standards I hold myself up to—I mean, this is the first time I’ve lost my wallet in my 52 years on this earth—I couldn’t seem to let go of my anger at the wallet thief. I felt violated in many ways, imagining the thief with the wallet photos of my daughters and the laminated list of medications I’m on.

Anger serves us at times, for example, when it moves us forward, out of victim mode and into positive action. But when it’s futile anger that sits with us, eating away at us, it’s the kind of anger that serves no purpose and keeps us stuck. How do we let go of that self-punishing anger?

At the time my wallet was stolen, I happened to be reading The Tools: 5 Tools to Help You Find Courage, Creativity, and Willpower-and Inspire You to Live Life in Forward Motion, by psychotherapists Phil Stutz and Barry Michels. They describe five tools they’ve created, and road-tested with their clients, to help us deal with life’s challenges. One of them, called Active Love, is focused on controlling anger. I thought, why not try it?

The instructions are as follows (“the other person” being the one you are angry with):

  1. “Concentration: Feel your heart expand to encompass the world of infinite love surrounding you. When your heart contracts back to normal size, it concentrates all the love inside your chest.
  2. Transmission: Send all the love from your chest to the other person, holding nothing back.
  3. Penetration: When the love enters the other person, don’t just watch, feel it enter; sense a oneness with him or her. Then relax, and you’ll feel all the energy you gave away returned toy you.”

Now, I’m not a spiritual person and don’t ascribe to these types of “woo woo” exercises, but I am working to become more open, suspend my disbelief, and try new things. So I did my own version of this Active Love tool, where I chose to send positive hopes and wishes to the thief who stole my wallet.

I hoped that the purchases he or she had made with my cash and credit card had helped them buy some much-needed items for the family, some groceries and home goods that were sorely lacking. I visualized a less fortunate family enjoying a special meal thanks to the bounty of my wallet. I sent them forgiveness too.

My new wallet - maybe I’m less likely to leave it somewhere if it’s a bright color!

And somehow, coming at it this way did help to release my anger. I was able to move on from unproductive, powerless feelings to a newfound calm. And while I’m well aware that the thief could be a punk who bought junk and had a good laugh at my expense, I choose, for my own well being, to think otherwise.

So who knows? Maybe I’ll try the Active Love tool next time someone cuts me off on the highway! I mean, I’m sure they’ll have a good reason like they’re rushing to the hospital with a woman who’s about to deliver a baby, right?

How do YOU deal with anger you can’t quite shake? What works for YOU?

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20 Responses

  1. Anger is a tough one for some of us, forgiveness even harder. I don’t have anything to add to what had been posted above, but I have a wallet tip. Take a photo copy of everything you jabber in your wallet. That way if it is ever stolen or lost, you have all the information in one place, along with phone numbers of your credit card companies.

  2. Cecil

    I loved reading this Helene and good for you in finding a way to cast off anger. We all have this type of experience somewhere along the way. I remember leaving my wallet on the table at a neighborhood restaurant and when I realized it (after getting home) I returned immediately and it was gone. What struck me in your story and what I experienced is how, in that moment, a “thief” is at the ready randomly. Like you, I tried to imagine that the person with my wallet truly needed it and every so often we accidentally contribute with some good to come from it. The person walking by at the precise moment our belonging is left unattended must be motivated by great need. That is a great way to think about it. I still miss that purple wallet sometimes, but it must have been time to move on. If only they could be so kind as to leave the Drivers License…the DMV part is the worst!

  3. I’m so glad you were able to release your anger. I’ll try your technique next time. Thanks for sharing you story. I like your new wallet too!

    1. Hi Lori, Yes give it a try! The authors say you have to practice the skill so don’t be surprised if it takes a few times. And I guess you can tell I’m a fan of pink!! Thanks for reading.

  4. I think I need to try Active Love Helene! I am improving as I get older and can let things go much easier than the younger version of me. Thanks for the book I will check it out and hopefully learn something. I think as I get older, I try to take a step back and think first - not easy for me who likes to react first and ask questions later.

    1. Hi Sue and thanks for reading. I do agree it gets a bit easier as we get older. With experience over time, we gain perspective of what’s important and worth worrying about, or not.

    1. So right. But hard to sit with the irritation, so definitely worked better for me to paint a different picture and hope some good had come out of it… Thanks for reading Laurie!

  5. Good for you to try! It is difficult when you do feel violated in theft or even in betrayal, a different kind of theft.
    Just last week I found a wallet, like your new one but in brown on top of the grapes in the grocery store. I asked the produce guy who was close if he saw who left it. No. I looked inside and there was a lot of cash and I saw lots of ID and credit cards. I looked around the produce section to match the face but ended up walking up to the help desk. There was a woman crying with a toddler by hand and a baby in her cart and she matched the picture. I walked to her and showed her the wallet and she gave me a bone crushing hug and sobbed her thanks.
    I figure I just banked some good Karma!
    Haralee recently posted…Bringing Back the Useful HandkerchiefMy Profile

    1. Wow Haralee, I wish I’d had a Good Samaritan like you around when I left my wallet lying on the counter—I would have given you a HUGE hug too! You saved that woman so much loss and work. Good karma for sure!!

  6. Great post and lots to think about. We have had our credit cards compromised a few times. The only thing saving us is a card company who immediately sees the problem and stops the charge from going through. We get an email and a phone call. We have not lost any money because of this. I hope you didn’t either. No matter what we learn in life, it’s an easier lesson when it doesn’t hit your bank account also.

    1. I’m so grateful that I didn’t have to pay for the false credit card charges! But I lost a good amount of cash (had just been to the ATM). Sorry to hear your credit card has been compromised. I have learned not to memorize my credit card number anymore because it seems this happens to mine on a regular basis too! Thanks for commenting Beth!

  7. I think it’s a lifelong challenge to deal with anger that can’t be productive but I have two thoughts: one is the old stand-by, “what’s going to come of this that I can use?” even if that seems elusive. And, as you pointed out, whatever made the person do this comes from a story I don’t know, but as long as I don’t, I’ll attempt to forgive.

    When my best jewelry was stolen by a housekeeper who skipped town, I was devastated. But I honored that I needed to feel very, very angry, but let it go to recover myself.

    Sorry for your loss 🙁
    Susan Bonifant recently posted…While the spirit is a puppyMy Profile

    1. Hi Susan, great points! I love the question “how can this serve you?” In my case, I made sure to rejoice that my bus card and my Costco card were still at the bottom of my handbag (hadn’t made their way back to my wallet yet). So tried to see the bit of positive to come out of this. I know I’m much more careful about my wallet now!! Thanks for reading.

  8. Oh my goodness I love what you have written here.A few years back we moved to a very urban area from a suburban bubble. My daughter was fairly young and more than a few times we had my car broken into.
    I took this approach and it was easy given I was trying to explain to a seven-year-old 🙂 but I don’t know if I could have done it if only for me.
    Her initial response was to be scared – – will this happen again?? – – And I just talked with her about how desperate someone must feel to have done this and how perhaps they really really really needed the money. Maybe even more than we do.

    1. Yes I seem to be able to “model” good behavior and respond (rather than react) when I know my girls are watching me. It’s another story when I’m struggling with anger on my own, so I can totally relate. Thanks for reading!

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